Abandoned

I can still recall the scene vividly in my mind.

All these years of effort.. Yes, they do make difference, but in an insignificant amount.

I keep trying to persuade myself, like I did that day, but I couldn't stop my tears from pouring down, just like that faithful day too.

I tried to comfort myself, that this couldn't be happening, that I made these all up.

Now, I can say that I have made every effort, to change the cruel reality, but today, it seems like all the effort vanished like bubble. Nothing.

They will never ever understand my feelings.
Nobody could. Well, I guess the truth is nobody cared.

I kept saying to myself, think positively, be optimistic. Maybe I think too much?

But do you really think that the responsibility lies solely on me?

Do you think that if they don't behave in such a way, I will feel offended?
I was a kid then, for goodness' sake. Words can't describe how huge the impact is.

Everyday, I am trying to outlive myself, get out from the shadow. But the effort is in vain.

I remain insignificant, small, abandoned in their eyes.

My heart will recover. But it will bear the scars forever.

I will continue to be positive, be strong and be happy. Regardless of anything.

I'm hurt inside, but nobody knows. 

I'm not saying this like other emo kids.
I really mean it, and trust me, what im saying is the truth.

Sigh.

Live now

Life is...in pieces now..
I dont know what to do to fix them back, and i know iv broken someone's life too.
I no longer know if its right to just follow my heart anymore.

I failed to be rational in this kinda thing.
I no longer can differentiate between right or wrong.
The damage is done, no point crying over split milk.

I just wanna let u know, its impossible between us.
But i dont know how to deliver it in such a way that the damage could be minimized.
There were times when i doubt myself :
Do i really hav feelings? Do i deserve others to treat me well?
Yes, if u love someone, u dont hope for any repay of ur contribution..
But at least the other party needs to reciprocate the love too? rite?
U keep asking me, how do i know i dont love u anymore?
My heart tells me that, isnt it clear to me?
Hasnt it dawned to you yet that my feelings on you has indeed faded?
And Im really not prepared yet for a meet up..

Im feelin grateful for the time we spent together. Thankful that ur once part of my life.
But pls gather urself back okay? Im sorry.

=(

 

I.Hate.MMU.

Consolation

At the pondok outside MMU library yesterday.

The weather was super nice and pleasant sunlight penetrating through the trees
It really feels like cny has decided to come a month earlier!! ^_^

I know i might seem emo sitting there by myself, but i wanna celebrate the good weather mar =P
And sadly none of my frens came for the class, so i sat there alone lor~

"Its not if u think its not, it is, when u think it is.." heehee

I dont show it doent mean it doesnt exist.

I hid the another side of me very well.

(The hand is abit cacat there. I sketched on my notes so dont mind the wordings :) )

Awhile ago, a friend of mine msn-ed me, and told me shes feeling very down.

On the outside, she looks cheerful, always wearing a sweet smile and have lotsa friends.

But deep down inside, shes not confident enough, she doesnt have a fixed gang.

This problem is very familiar to me, iv been through it.

Everyone has to go through a life stage which is to struggle with ur own identity, downfall and feeling hopeless.

Just cheer up, find something to give u confidence like being excel in studies, any sports or even take up a hobby.
Dont skip classes cuz u'll feel more emo at home alone doing nothing.
Go out, have some fresh air, dress urself nicely and go to school.
Mix around with people so that u wont think of negative stuffs.

And don't bottle them all up, u'll burst someday.

Find somebody to talk to, and if u cant, blog about ur problems, tweet it or even write everything down in ur diary.

U'll feel better as long as have an output.

Yes, friends are important. 

Particularly for people like me, who doesnt have their stand and super easily distracted by the environment.

Good or bad friends mean alot to me.

I need company, im not as strong as i look.

Just that iv been through that much,

Sometimes i cant find any good company, i'd rather be solo.


This year, i promise myself i'll be a better human. ♥

sigh

Im no longer a child..

Im a grownup now and will help in making things work between us,

and making ends meet when iv done my studies.

But if only we could communicate more,

It'll be alot easier for all of us.

Dont u think so?

Holidays! And Self-reflect time haha

Hi again, my already super short sem break had shrinked to 1 week only til next semester starts!

Cuz iv joined my fellow classmates for 5 days worth of Ipoh and Penang trip right after my finals have ended! hehehehe

And i can say that the trip was once in a lifetime! As we wouldn't go visit to Gua Tempurung and The Lost World of Tambun another time.Once is enough haha. 

Many of our classmates come from Ipoh and Penang so we had great tourfood guides and patient drivers there hehe!

I went Ipoh and Penang with family before, but you have to really stay there and explore around then only can experience the lifestyle,food and people there.

Miss the trip lotss :)

Thats me with my laptop bag and others, preparing to leave Yew Meng's ipoh house.
Next post will be about the trip! Am actually waiting for them to upload pictures in Facebook and go nick them here wahahaha. Pity me dont have camera for the trip T___T

Stay tuned ya!

Now,bout my holidays. Been watching this even before finals starts lol

♥Playful Kiss♥

Cast : Kim Hyun Joong(ahhhh kim hyun joong!!) as Baek Seung Jo

and Jung So Min as Oh Ha Ni.

Haha basically i watch this show because of kim hyun joong.
I liked him ever since he acted in Boys Over Flowers ~ 

And since Mischievous kiss in Taiwan version is very nice, so why not try the new Korean version of it.

But then in the Korean version of Playful Kiss, the supposed-to-be-super-dumb Ha Ni isn't as dumb and clumsy like the Taiwan version. And the supposed-to-be-very-cold Seung Jo smiles quite often in the drama. lolz.

ANDDD!

I dont know why in the end of every episodes there are teddy bears appear! Maybe the producers are the same with Goong?lol @@
The drama is still okay for me to spend my free time, but all in all, i still prefer Taiwan's It Started With a Kiss :) Never mind, i still have my HK drama and nice books to occupy my time!

Anyways, iv cut my long hair short til an inch longer than shoulder length.
New look for a new start, a great one i hope. :)

After visiting to Ellyn's blog entry, iv had many things in mind..
Iv always wanted to aim high, to hope to be out of this country one day and strive for my goals elsewhere.
But at the same time, im worried that things wont go that easily for me.
Everyone has this kinda dreams, but achieving them is another matter.

Heres an example,you see, iv always wanted to know how it feels like to study aboard like those cool bloggers, have afew ang moh friends, lying down on green grass dipping in the rare summer sun, enjoying tea times of pastries and coffees in the vintage looking streets, working off part time jobs to earn extra pocket money while studying.
But that, i know,is no longer possible to me.
After iv completed my degree year, it is impossible for me to continue pursue my studies, see, unless i wanna get a master or phd or any title in engineering haha. And That too, cost lotsa $$ which i dont have lol unless i get scholarship la then i'll totally plunge my head into it w/o hesitation! =P
So ideally, i will go into the real world and join the work force, and emerge as a tiny insignificant engineer, starting from zero, working my way to the top.

And im worried that i will forget all the deals we've made during school time.

- Like reunion under the Eiffel Tower after 10 years.(seems naive but its one thing i hope i can achieve! To  be able to visit to European countries before i turn 30..)

- Invited to renowed fashion shows (woah this is super impossible lor unless you're a celebrity or entrepreneur making buckets of gold daily)

Im worried that all my colourful fantasies will have to bow down to reality someday..
All the places i wanna visit before i have a family of my own to take care of,
All the girlie shoppings and crazy night outs before im bounded by bills, works and family..

Life is indeed a long challenging way of self-discovery.
Im 20 and i still dont know who am i,but im working my way on it :)
Goodluck in finding yourself.

Who the heck am i

This is just the beginning of Gamma year..

And iv lost own self..

I'v lost track on whats happening in sch,what teacher taught today,for being absent from classes.

I've lost track of my homeworks..which asg is due which date, and refer other ppl's asg most of the time..

I've lost count on friend's outings..because i believe i can manage both of the gangs,but at last lost both of them..

I've lost track on tutorials..hence im not sure what's gonna teach this week..

I've lost my identity..

Im not sporty, i suck at basically every sports that u can name it.

Im look nerdy but my results seriously suck.

Im easily being influenced..im not standing on my ground firm enough..

My old self-esteem is built on friendship, academic performance, and outings..

Now everything has shattered..

Everyone has their dearest interest in heart..but i have none

My friend told me hes going to transfer to UCSI or Berklee for audio Engineering, i supported him cuz i know he loves that kinda things..Mecha engi is too hard for him since his interest is not here.

And when he ask what i interested in? i couldnt answer..

I dont have any interest and suck at everything..

Sigh.Now that iv chosen my path as Mechanical Engineering,theres no way back.

I'll do my best to be one :)

I wont emo for too long..

Final is only 3 weeks away,gonna work hard for it..

*I need a hug. :(

Scars

Have u guys ever experienced this..?
Its like,whenever u hear laughter around you and hot tears will automatically stream down your cheeks?
And you feel lonely in crowded places,you just want to hug urself in a corner?
You feel so disorientated and have no one to turn to?
You just want to find a place and cry yourself out loud?
You look into the mirror and disgusted by the one inside it?

Im hurt.
Im not used to express my emoness but then..
Feel like scrambling something..my thoughts..anywhere will do..
Haiz...u have to face the days eventually..
The time ticks away
the fan continues to rotate
and the starless night goes on..
Who cares?

The night today is especially wet and sombre..

Look at the pitch dark sky,
take a deep breath,
fake a smile
and face it.
I feel better now.